I’ve reached the point where I’m just tired of trying to please other people, though knowing me I doubt anything glamorous will become of it.
I don’t know what I want to do with the rest of my life. and I’m feeling guilty that I’m changing my mind so late in the game.
Radiology seems to be the only thing in the medical field that I’m interested in, but the only reason I turned to the medical field in the first place is because I was pressured to. and before that? I wanted to be an artist… and there’s so few opportunities to earn a living as an artist. So then maybe a synthesis of the two— art therapy. But after researching, it just didn’t seem like something I would enjoy; teaching people to use art as an expression, and then interpreting that art as a psychiatrist. Quite honestly, I don’t care that much about other people’s problems, hence I keep to myself… so back to radiology, I could start as a radiographer, which is starting to look a little mundane, but maybe I could become a doctor. Could I handle that many years of school? But I want to see the world when I’m young and I want to be sure that if I’m going to go to school for 13 more years that it’s something that I really would be happy doing.
and therein lies the problem. I have no idea what I could do with myself for the rest of my life that I know I could be happy. I suppose my happiness would consist of comfortable living, in a living space that I can use as a canvas for my creativity and, more importantly, that I could share with someone. Comfy furniture and lots of books. My happiness would require the freedom to have a change of scene, to be cultured, and to capture at least a small portion of it in photographs. My happiness means to love and be loved, to stay in touch and to create fondness through distance. to be completely understood by someone, but not by everyone.
I find that I have to keep reminding myself to enjoy the journey instead of looking towards the finish line like this. It’s a losing battle. I never had the attention span nor the patience, but I’ll definitely keep trying. I’m so afraid of my own future. I’m afraid that I’ll end up one of those people who doesn’t love their own life and who doesn’t have the willpower to break out of that routine and into a new one. All it is is fear.
Today was a wonderful veg-out kind of day. Knitted this morning, watched a marathon of What I like About You this afternoon… which I’m not necessarily proud of, but it left me some time to think about my own life in turn. I finished a drawing, and I think I’m sort of proud of it. Still needs some touching up though.
Now I’m drinking raspberry tea and paging through Chictopia blogs <3